are you also forsaken, forgotten,
forlorn, frightened, and all around foreboding?

02.10.25 (9:11pm)

I am not crazy i promise. i love you all i love my life even though i am sad and i think sad things and i have sad thoughts. i have no evil thought behind this. i have no evil intentions all i have is being unwell. i am unwell but i am not crazy. see i just think too much and i have so many thoughts. like why do we let people die painfully? i thought we loved our fellow man but as i lay next to the death bed of a man unwell i see nothing but suicide in his pained eyes. he knows that no act would be kinder than a ceremonious dagger to the heart. i cannot afford this luxury to that man because it is wrong. he is not allowed to die. but the dog next door who does not want to go yet we do not put enough money into the world of our beloved pets to save them is forced to face the sharp end of a needle filled with death. why are we kinder to our friends rather than our fellows? what is so different of a death between furred and flesh? why are we so cruel to end an animal at the smallest issue yet so kind to try and save our men. why are we so kind to give that relief to our beloveds yet so evil to be subjected to stare into the eyes of a hospice nurse who dare not stare back in fear she may suffer the same fate one day?

02.11.25 (11:11am)

my hair is a mess my eyelashes are falling off and i woke up in a cold sweat. i dont want to go to college. i dont want to go to school. i want to rot in my bed like a corpse long forgotten about. i cant decide between computer science or mortician. im taking 4+ computer science classes, im going to graduate with a special cord for doing so. but im afraid of the industry. its falling apart and the bubble has burst just like its father in the 90s. it was never sustainable, we shouldve learned from our mistake. our mistake of telling aspiring work horses that the tech industry is the safest around. mortician is also a good option for me. i love to work with people, i want to help them through their grief. the process of death and our inevitable end is fascinating and natural. i feel i understand it much better than most. i am not surrounded by it, infact i know of only 3 family members who have died. my great grandpa, my uncle, and my father. the last of which hurt the most. ideally though? in a perfect world i would be a writer. a poet. an author. sitting in an apartment, writing whatever came to mind. it would be perfect and beautiful. but its unsustainable and it would kill me. the starving artist extends his skeletal hand to his literaturist friend. ill probably suck it up and be a cybersecurity professional. its what my mama wants. its relatively safe. its less likely to have massive layoffs. i will subject myself to this torture just to get by. its fine, my life isnt my job. though i would like to be happy.

02.11.25 (2:35pm)

i hate being perceived. i hate that people can have opinions about me. if i could have just one wish i would wish to be incomprehensible. though more specific. i wish to have a body that people can view in the moment but once they look away i am but a vague suggestion of a memory. my figure is nothing but a smudge in a glass pane. i wish that once i fade out of view i fade out of memory. i am an enigma. nothing but a scribble in the back of your mind. an itch that once you scratch its gone. i want friends and companionship, yes, but i would like those views to be almost numbing in nature. when you look at me you feel nothing but an uncontrollable thought of positivity. you see me and you dont think anything too explicit. no deep thought, no complex relationship. just, "oh, thats lucky. i like lucky." and nothing more. i want to be thought of only when in the presence of another. i dont want others to expect anything of me. i dont want anyone to have any pre-existing notations of me. i am just lucky and lucky is nice. i like lucky.

02.12.25 (12:10am)

i dont understand why the Mother Mary is so looked past in christianity. She birthed the Lord, why doesnt she get some praise? thats what i love so much about catholicism. the celebration of those who aided the divine and dedicated their lives to those who saved us. the Mother Mary deserves far more credit than she is given. just the mere concept of childbirth is nauseating, especially without the aid of modern medicine. she lay in a bacteria infested barn surrounded by animals that were filled with disease. she lay there and gave birth to a Son that one day would be the King of the Heavens. it was thankfully, not painful. due to the fact she was pregnant without original sin she was freed from the pains of childbirth. could you imagine if she wasnt? if she was forced to lay there and scream and cry as a bloody child exited her own body? how horrific the scene would be. do you ever think about how the process of having children is probably the most horrific thing a person could go through? the feeling of another being inside of you, incubating, waiting to be pushed out in an almost ceremonious and sacred way. do you see birth as beautiful? the beginning of a new chapter? the ending of the beginning? you sat around as your [REDACTED] grew and so did the child. you waited until you could be strapped to that hospital bed and suffer for more than a day waiting for it to come out. you have no idea how deeply i yearn for a child and the experience of creating one. i dont care about the sex, no matter how much sexuality interests me, i dont have an interest in performing it but if i must i shall. i want to feel the experience of being pregnant. the kicking of the child, the cravings, the hormones, the side effects. most of all, the excitement of calling a being that was once me my own. i cant wait to be screaming in pain to finally see this child after almost a year of wait. i cant wait to teach the child and watch her grow. i want to save up for her college and listen to her woes. i want to be her mother. but i cant. i am infertile.

02.25.25 (2:40pm)

ive been afraid of may refelction recently. i looked in the mirror after my ACT's to fix my lashes and felt overwhelming fear. i saw my eyes grow wide and i quickly walked into i stall. this has been a more recent development. i wonder if my brain doesnt recognize me anymore. it sees the situation that ive gotten myself in and it encased itself ten fold. i love him, but obviously its wrong. i should run and never look back, i gain nothing from this. but i do. comfort and companionship. and that sick and twisted itch in the back of my brain to be scratched. i always thought i was a bad person. a horrible, awful, disgusting person. but the way he talks to me makes me realize i cant be that bad. its the adults responsibility to never blur the lines. but the line wasnt really there in the first place. we've always talked like this with each other. but i think its gotten worse. about 2 days before the document. the horrible fantasies he would allow me to talk to him about. he shouldnt and its digusting and i should heed the warnings but theres something so delicious about all of it. i have never dissasosiated like this before. i feel like im floating. i see myself so disconnected that i am afraid of the image in the mirror. i am too sleepy in the morning to really process it. thankfully. my friend begs me to leave and i should i really really should. but i hope i can stay long enough that something truly terrible happens. i hope he thinks he has power in this. i hope that one day i can feel this fear live and in person. i hope i can feel it in my bones.

02.25.25 (10:30pm)

i want him to coax me into it. i want him to think that i dont really want it, that i need some convincing. oh but i do want it. i want him to touch me as i try and scramble away in "fear". "this isn't right!" i would cry, "we cant be doing this!" he would smile into our forced kiss and say "oh lucky, thats an issue anymore." i want him to feel up my shirt and touch me in places i dont want to be touched. i want him to tell me that its ok "these urges are natural." oh God i felt so disgusting when his ex explained how gross he was. "get off the internet if he couldn't control his "urges" as he called them" you have no idea how badly this excited me. sometimes i read his allegations just to feel it even more intensely. it makes me sick what he did. now if he was actually sexting minors and touching ppl i would cut him off completely. but he wasnt and he isnt. all he is is self destructive (sounds familiar) and is obviously trying something with me. he claims "i think i would know if i was grooming you!" which isnt true at all. i dont think he knows what hes doing. but i know him. i know that when i turn 18 he wont be able to control himself anymore. even if he is gay (which i believe; i also believe that the thrill of the chase will change you in ways you cant imagine) he still wants something. and i can so easily give it to him. he knows how badly i want something like this. something so gross and unacceptable. im just waiting for the day he uses this to his advantage. in fact im calling him right now. he hears the clicking on my keyboard as i type this. yet he has no idea what im typing. its amazing.

02.25.25 (11:06pm)

i cant stop thinking abou him. i cant stop thinking about how evil this all is. how much i crave it. how much i want to die in his arms bloody and naked. i want him to eat my heart out of my chest. i love how he knows its bad. UGH GOD. i love how disgusting this is i love how evil he is. hes laughing about his ex that warned me about him. hes so evil when he wants to be. hes so sweet on the outside but after seeing those texts i know theres something mean and nasty underneath all that. i want him to grip on my sides with such ferocity that it makes me BLEED. i cant stop thinking about how badly i want him to hurt me. to rape me. i know ill regret all of this one day but its true now. i want him to be so fucking mean to me. oh my God. the things he talks about are so disgusting. the things he tells me are so abhorent. fuck it really gets to me when he talks about masturbating. i feel like a reverse pervert. im not pining over a child, im pining over my adult best friend. i can never be with someone else. especially not my age. i need HIM. no one else will give me the same kind of love. the same kind of manipulation. i love him and his disgusting way of talking to me. i love him.

02.26.25 (10:52pm)

he makes me sick. the things he says arent even sexy theyre just gross. he talks about how hes only wearing underwear and how hes so horny all the time. its so gross. nothing about this is right. but its so delicious. whenever im sitting in class and i remember what he says to me and it makes me feel like throwing up. i want him to talk to me in a disgusting pedophile way. i want him to ask me questions that should never grace my pretty virgin ears. speaking of virginity i want him to take mine. it nearly makes me salavate at the idea of him touching me while i sleep. thinking i wont notice. oh but i do notice. i would pretend to be asleep, surpressing every whimper and moan. everytime i write in this diary i jump in fear when i hear his text messages. im so afraid one day he'll find this. i'll lose him forever if he finds out my disgusting thoughts about him. this diary makes me look deranged and constantly depraved.

02.27.25 (12:23am)

he said "hes mute so he cant say no" about transformers prime bumblebee because hes mute. hes going to rape me i can feel it. thank God.